My goals for the rest of 2009:

1. Finish The Alchemist

2. Finish My Ishamael

3. Re-read The Odyssey & re-watch the movie

Side note: Why do I start books without finishing them?!

4. Eat at a really fancy schmancy expenseeve restaurant.

5. Eat at a hole- in- the-wall-un-sanitized-kiosk on 16th street.

6. Buy a hobo a large meal.

7. Get straight A’s.

More to come..

A friend suggested going to see a movie at a drive-in soon and it really reminded me of all that I miss about how simple things used to be.

Time; what a concept.

The younger we are, the faster we want time to fly. The older we are, the slower we want time to move.

In the end, we’re both so unappreciative of what’s right in front of us.

I let time pass me by. If asked, I couldn’t recall what happened yesterday. I’m running even when time is pacing. I don’t spend enough time valuing it, even though I’ll eventually be left wondering where it has gone.

I’ve never really let myself feel too vulnerable in life. I hardly ever feel lonely, probably less than the average person to say the least. I hardly ever miss anyone, even people I really care about.

Every time I think about my grandma, even in the slightest way, I can’t help but to burst into tears. I’ve wanted a quiet house ever since I can remember, but having it now is not in the least bit satisfying. I feel alone, too alone. My grandma was the one person who’s never hurt me in my entire life. She’s always wanted the best for me and everyone she encounters, even those who were not good to her. She always made sure I was up in time, that I had my morning coffee made just the way I liked it. That I had something to eat whenever I was hungry. That I got home safely. It was never just for me, she did this for everyone. She never let her kind heart go to waste, it was distributed evenly amongst the people in her life. She gives me hope that I’ll meet others like her in my lifetime…

I’ve never hurt this deeply, ever. About anything. I’ve never let myself. But its no longer about whether or not I let myself.

Its not within my control, not something I’m able to grasp.

It isn’t until now that I finally realized how much control I have had over my entire life. How much having control meant to me, how satisfying it was to be able to protect myself.

I no longer feel protected. This isn’t within my control.

And maybe, that’s just for the best.

How aware are we of our inhibitions?

 

Until we are faced with a situation that tests us, do we realize that we have inhibitions. That we all have reservations about certain things, certain people, certain actions…and certain beginnings or conclusions.

There are many things I’ve yet to realize about myself, one of those being my own inhibitions. What exactly am I afraid of?

I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of failing others and I’m afraid of failing myself.
I’m afraid of having to face a loss…a loss within my family, a loss within those I love and those who love me.
I’m afraid of being exposed.

Exposed to the truth of the matter..

That for you, I will

My family and I grew up with bare necessities. There was little emphasis on materialism but more on justifications of meaning and collectivism.

When I first moved to Colorado, one of our first “homes” was an old clay apartment in the more disadvantaged area of Denver. There was a living room, a small kitchen, and two rooms. One of those rooms leaked water and lacked heat, so we fit a couple of beds into one room and slept on it together. The bathroom initially was infested with cockroaches and I remember having to call the manager because it was flooding when I came home in second grade.

I find comfort thinking of the place, however. I owe some of my favorite childhood memories to that apartment complex; staying out until late playing in the grass and star gazing with children my age.

We then moved to a ranch style home in Aurora. It was “cute”, at first. Until the living space got smaller and smaller as I grew bigger and bigger. I would walk out of my room and meet the living room, then quickly met the kitchen. Eventually, I felt like there was no space to walk because I’d leave my room and end up at the other side of the house. I met my best friend here though, she was my next door neighbor. For the next 5 years that I lived in that house, we spent almost the entire week together; every week, every month, and every year for five years. After 11 years of friendship, she’s one of the only people that I can fully depend on to understand me to this day.

I remember telling my mom that the only thing I want is to live in a house with a staircase. That’s the one thing that would make me happy.

We now live in a three car garage, two story house. Since I’ve lived here, my car has been broken into. My dad’s car was purposely dented. I’m 45 minutes away from my best friend, half an hour away from school and to every destination besides suburban Aurora.

I have my staircased house, what now? My desires have changed. They’ve grown to far more specific expectations.

Expectations that exceed the possibilities of realities, sometimes. I feel like this reign true for almost every situation. The more we are exposed to what we’ve wanted, the more we’ll want more.

And more.

And..more.

“I have baggage”.

“I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine”.

-RENT

My mom told me that when looking for someone to be with, I can’t expect for there to be no flaws. There’s ALWAYS flaws, the trick is to figure out what flaws I can accept and what flaws I just can’t. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always taken that to heart and continued to look for my potentials in that perspective. I like flaws. I like people who are flawed. I’m flawed, “I have baggage”. I feel like I can’t commit. I have trouble letting people help me, with anything. I hate depending on others. I overschedule and overanalyze.

Ultimately, I’m just  “looking for baggage that goes with mine”.

I’ve always considered myself a hopeless romantic, but as I held onto my past experiences, I moved on with hesitation and have resulted to being alone for the most part. I find happiness within myself that I feel like I can’t depend on another to offer me. I’m fearful of what’s to come, what could happen. After talking to one of my best and oldest friends tonight, she offered me a most inspiring word of advice ,

“you can’t hold back because of unchartered territory”.

“Know Thyself”

It still amazes me, how much I don’t know about myself. So often I’m consumed in figuring someone else out that I forget to think about who I am first. I truly believe that the power of knowing yourself is valuable and most useful in the way you lead your life and your treatment of others. The more you understand in yourself, the more you will be able to understand in others…with a few exceptions.  There’s also a scarcity in the amount of people that give enough thought to figuring themselves out. We are basically conditioned to find values that fit our own, to find character traits that justifiy what we already possess. Even though this strengthens your sense of self, it also weakens your ability to be open minded to opposing viewpoints when it comes to who you are as well.

I realized more clearly today that I am…a lot more complicated than I had initially thought. I’ve always told people that I am as I seem, and I portray everything I am inside on the outside. I have never been one to say, “you think you know me, but you don’t” because the truth is, if you think you know me, you probably do.

However, I realized that is pretty far from the truth. I do portray myself as I see myself, and open myself up in every way that I feel comfortable, which is almost every way. But I’ve realized that I often feel misunderstood. I realized I have a reason behind everything that I do, say, and commit to. There’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions behind everything and I don’t ever just do things blindly. Ultimately, I realized that…very few people know who I really am. Even fewer people understand.

The ability to truly know yourself lies within. No one should attempt or ever be able to tell you who you are or who you should be, for they will probably never fully know.

There’s strength in being able to know who you are and sticking by it, rather than letting your opinions and confidence sway with the people that taint it.

Real(a): no less than what is stated; worthy of the name.

Its still unclear to me if people are being “real” or not when I first meet them. I feel like I always overestimate people and underestimate myself, leaving me intimidated in their presence and lack confidence in interaction with them. What I’ve discovered is that even with everyone’s seemingly high accomplishments, there’s always quite a few things they lack. Its always a surprise to me after getting to know someone, that the people I’ve always felt intimidated by are just normal. They’re living and they’re flawed, just like everyone else.

Have you ever thought about if you would, or how you would, continue living life if you were blind?

I was on campus today and I saw a blind woman, making her way with a walking stick. I thought about my life in pitch black. What if I only heard the sounds of footsteps but didn’t see them? What if I could only feel with my hands and not see with my eyes?

While blind, we’re still capable of hearing speech. We can articulate through our sense of touch, understand through our ability to hear. I think that the blind are more capable of maximizing their understanding of a person, merely because the distraction of looks do not factor in.

Our natural infatuation for beauty disregards what isn’t beautiful; we often pick out a person’s physical flaw during conversation. Maybe not all the time, but we’re more guilty of taking notice to flaws than positive attributes.

In contrast…we so often use our advantange of eyesight for what’s unecessary and insignificant in comparison to other scenes we can view.

Anyway, I proceeded to getting on the lightrail to join everyone else in what might as well have been a sardine can. Everyone’s always fixated on their technological advice; heads down, fingers busy.  I’m guilty of it too.

The majority of us are fortunate enough to see, but how much seeing do we really do? We see what’s in front of us, we see what benefits us. How often do we fully take advantage of our sight? I was walking today and realized that I don’t notice the artchitecture of buildings enough. Every building has a different colored roof..the windows also glisten differently in different lights and different times of day. I realized there are so many colors that are reflected that I am dismissing; choosing the click of my phone keys over observations I should embrace.

Have you ever played that game where they ask obvious questions like, is the green light on the bottom or top? Most of us take time to think about it, but this should be a question we’re capable of answering immediately. Its so clear that we’re oblivious to the obvious.

So clear that the world’s turning blind. We’re as blind as the blind.

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