A Mother’s Heart.

I feel like the older we get, the less we appreciate what we have or what we’ve had.

My mom and I have always had a rough relationship. I take after my dad’s rowdy personality where we prefer social settings more than we do our own solitude. Its not to say I don’t enjoy my individual space, but I find happiness in the company of others too. My mom has always been a little bit of a hermit. Its how she was conditioned, though. Growing up as an only child who’s expectations were to thrive in school, she left little time for social interaction. Not only does she worry about my excessive time away from home, she also can’t understand it fully because she doesn’t enjoy everything that I do.

I remember that mom and I would walk our dog together on nice evenings and talk about everything. I feel so nostalgic to the good times that I’m almost resistent to believeing that I’ve left that behind, unknowingly, over time. I’m so insanely busy that I don’t even realize how important it still is to mom to have that time with me. Already falling into the mix makes it even harder for me to pick myself out of it.

I take a lot of passion in everything that I do, whether miniscule or major. I don’t let myself stay stagnant, or even sleep very long, because it takes time away from what I could be accomplishing. I’m disappointed in myself because of that though, considering that its affecting my ability to sit still and talk to my own mother without feeling as if times being wasted or taken away from what else I could be doing.

I feel so selfish though. Everything my mom does, she’ll think twice. Once for me, and once for my brother. We are the focal point of her life since we’ve been born. In return, how often do the both of us think of her before ourselves? How often do we even think about her before our friends or significant other? We lost sight of her selflessness through our own selfishness because there’s no threat of it being taken away from us. Should it even take a threat? That’s wrong. To realize how important someone is when they’re close to being taken away from us; its often too late.

This week’s answer to everything:  Life goes on.

The Ripple.

“Be deliriously happy or at least leave yourself open to be.”– Meet Joe Black

I think positivity posesses an ever so powerful spell on our temperaments and environment. Most of us don’t realize the extent to which a little positivity can touch and influence another person’s life. Its like a ripple, a small pebble thrown into the ocean spreads a ripple through all directions. The more pebbles we toss, the more the ripple will spread. The more positivity we feed our peers, the more it will spread unto others.  Sometimes when I recieve positive feedback from my co-workers , it can change my entire outlook on the day ahead of me. That *scrunch-your-shoulders-energy-rushing-through-the-body-feeling*. Is it just me?

Its like a breath of fresh air to meet people who are pleasant and positive.

On the same note, a little negativity can travel quite the distance too. Its interesting, something I’ve discussed with my friend. The negative charge is always more powerful, there’s always plenty more of it. In relation to math, even if you have 100, 100 * -1 is still a negative number. One person’s negativity can influence a whole pack of others.  One electric shock can send waves into the sea, it can take lives right from underneathe us. Being negative to someone won’t kill them, but I find it intriguing to realize just how powerful it is.

What I’m saying is, spread a little love. You never know where it may go, who it may touch, and what it can establish.

Peace, love, and applesauce ya’ll.

The Pursuit of Happyness

“Maybe happiness is something we can only pursue, but never have.”

I often think about how so many of us are never completely satisfied. As human beings, we associate ourselves with growth. We strive for the better even if we seem to have the best. Its positive in the way that we don’t allow ourselves to be stagnant, that we don’t always settle for happiness because we’re so adament about improvements. At the same time, we begin to lose sight of what we have because we’re so concerned about what we can have. I’ve come to understand that life isn’t as beautiful as I saw it through my eyes as a child. Not everyone is a good person, not everything will go as planned. I’ve found an ultimate appreciation for everything that’s in my posession and control, while not letting myself fall between the cracks by staying still.

While that may be, there are many things in life that diminish our pursuit of happiness. Over a lifetime, everyone shares the common goal of finding happiness. Whether it be in a significant other, in friends, family ties, or children; we all want to feel happy. Along the way, we encounter obstacles that causes us to lose hope. Break ups, divorce, deaths, poverty. There’s so much to be had, but so much to risk. The greatest of souls are tainted by ones not so pure. The most suitable mates are looked past and meshed into just friendship levels while people that aren’t as worthy get more of a chance.

Life’s unfair.

But the fact of the matter is, most of us continue to live it and keep striving to fullfill that pursuit. Whether we have happiness or not, we can’t help but to pursue it regardless. Eventually we realize that much of what creates our happiness, will create misery as well. The importance is if we profit more in happiness in the end. Is if that misery isn’t detrimental to our happiness, rather just..complementary instead.

Empathetic numbness.

Intentions are often misunderstood in the mix, as complications cloud our stream of consciousness.

I think that what I desire most in this life is to just have peace of mind. I wish that people’s appearance weren’t of great importance to others, that people didn’t emphasize on being beautiful and perfected. I wish materialism didn’t matter and everyone still could find happiness in the simplest of pleasures. Something as simple as taking walks and watching movies from drive-ins.Fuck the he-said, she-said bullshit. I wish external substances weren’t abused; we should just naturally be capable of dealing with our problems without that assistance.

I just want to frolic. I want to be free of expectations so I avoid disappointments easier. Free of obligations that wear me thin. Free of other people underestimating or overestimating me.

I just want to live in harmonial existence.

I want to have a clear mind, a clear conscience, and a nice cup of iced coffee on the porch. <3

Running.

Sometimes I hear myself bitch and whine inside my own head and begin feeling this overwhelming sense of self-pity, but then I reconsider and think…

“The end justifies the means”.

I can sit here and think about it any way I want, in the end I just have to get up and keep going. Run with it. So many people lose sight of reality when they let themselves fall into their own pits of pity.

I don’t want to be that person. I want to be able to overcome my obstacles, I want to know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and that I’m close, all by myself. I’m in control of my life and I can’t depend on anyone to do what I can do myself. I can’t expect comfort because life’s rough, for everyone.

There’s running away from your problems, and then there’s running with them.

I need to pick myself up and run, away from my own pits.

Screaming Infidelities Pt. 2

I don’t understand people who cheat.

To be continued.

Draft-ed.

I logged onto this thing today and realized I have a list of drafts that I began writing but never let myself finish. Even if I do finish, I don’t post it.

My decisions on which blog to post is similiar to my decisions on which thoughts to express outloud. I often yield from saying what I’m thinking until I feel its necessary to say, or until I feel comfortable saying it. Otherwise, I spend a lot of my time observing what others are saying.

Its not even that I’m afraid of what others might think, I just don’t feel the need to say everything I’m thinking. Unless I’m asked, that is. Until then will you really know whether they care about that thought or not.

In addition, my mom has always taught me that we’re born with two ears and one mouth; use them accordingly.

Sometimes I feel that people are too quick to speak, so quick that they drown out another’s opinion through the loudness of theirs. In return, all of these thoughts conflict each other because no one’s listening, everyone’s just pushing theirown views. Its not fair to expect everyone to have an open mind, but its unfair to be judged and feel as if we need to prove ourselves before we are accepted.

I personally don’t push to prove anyone anything different from their already conceived opinions about me. I’m confident in what I have to offer and I’ll push my potentials to exceed its limit. Whether or not its good enough for them is beyond me, as long as I present myself in a way that feels pleasing and get the work done efficiently.

I’m lucky enough to not often have to face the negativity in my peer’s preconceived misconceptions, mainly because I look like a harmless 10 year old to most people. Nonetheless, I still think that I’d carry myself the same way even if another’s judgements of me are too harsh. My intentions are well and that should be enough to feed my contentment.

I used to talk a lot. Okay, I STILL do talk a lot. The difference is that back then I used to talk a lot with little knowledge and paid my thoughts more attention than another’s. I’ve learned to sit back and take in what someone else has to say before I form my own phrases.

My thoughts, just like my blogs, are mostly just drafts.

Bones in the closet.

I’m such a keepsake person.

Its to the point that I intentionally avoid cleaning my room because I know I’ll have to

force myself to throw stuff away since its just become clutter, bones in the closet

perhaps. At times, its easy to toss things that are now irrelevant, but other times I

feel so sentimental to them.

Its stuff like how I’ve kept all the flowers I’ve ever recieved, pressed inside my

textbooks. Sure, I use them for scrapbooking but do I need that many? There’s litterally

petals on every section, tons of them. I also have concert tickets and scattered movie

tickets over the years in tin boxes and desk drawers.

I just recently got myself to delete all of the papers I’ve written in High School, which

I’ve kept through all four years too.

And this morning, I deleted everyone’s text. Thousands and thousands of texts from

moments that don’t even justify how the situation is today. Events that have passed,

memories that are forgotten.

I was overwhelemed with satisfaction after deleting all of them; off my phone, off my

mind. It took over an hour for my phone to purge them, but that made me realize something.

Since I had so many text messages in my phone, every time I recieved a text message it

would be really slow, to the point that it froze every time. That’s exactly what happens when we keep every thing from our past; its a slower process to accepting people in our present and for our future. Our memory is so cluttered with what we had that we don’t have space for what we can have. We concentrate so effortlessly on what has happened that it weakens our ability to be inclusive about what can happen, since we don’t feel much of an urgency for it given our already founded comfort zones.

It takes hours to clear our phone memory, and a few more hours to clear our environmental congestion.

No more bones in the closet for me. Only satisfaction over my sense of ownership. Ownership over my life, in all aspects.

At last.

I’m such a keepsake person.

Its to the point that I intentionally avoid cleaning my room because I know I’ll have to force myself to throw stuff away since its just become clutter, bones in the closet perhaps. At times, its easy to toss things that are now irrelevant, but other times I feel so sentimental to them.

Its stuff like how I’ve kept all the flowers I’ve ever recieved, pressed inside my textbooks. Sure, I use them for scrapbooking but do I need that many? There’s litterally petals on every section, tons of them. I also have concert tickets and scattered movie tickets over the years in tin boxes and desk drawers.I just recently got myself to delete all of the papers I’ve written in High School, which I’ve kept through all four years too.

And this morning, I deleted everyone’s text. Thousands and thousands of texts from moments that don’t even justify how the situation is today. Events that have passed, memories that are forgotten. I was overwhelemed with satisfaction after deleting all of them; off my phone, off my mind. It took over an hour for my phone to purge them, but that made me realize something.

Since I had so many text messages in my phone, every time I recieved a text message it would be really slow, to the point that it froze every time. That’s exactly what happens when we keep every thing from our past; its a slower process to accepting people in our present and for our future. Our memory is so cluttered with what we had that we don’t have space for what we can have. We concentrate so effortlessly on what has happened that it weakens our ability to be inclusive about what can happen, since we don’t feel much of an urgency for it given that we already feel comforted knowing what we’ve had.

It takes hours to clear our phone memory, and a few more hours to clear our environmental congestion.

No more bones in the closet for me. Only satisfaction over my sense of ownership. Ownership over my life, in all aspects.

“Refined”

I went and visited Lap’s mom yesterday and got a hold of many of his poems. It really did rebuild the part of me that I truly missed most about him, his sense of self-expression. He had a rhythm that was solely his, an individuality portrayed in his writing that none can clone.

Here’s a poem of his that I want to share:

“Refined”

I despise the love portrayed on television for I prefer a love natural and undefined

for it loses it’s majestic beauty when it is refined.

A love story is as opposite of a fairy tale as the radiant sun and cold dull moon

It is heart wrenching to hold onto but music to the heart when it’s playing it’s finest tune.

It is a test with the intentions to fail to test the lovers’ strength

For those who surpass will see it at its greatest length

For those who have never been able to surpass, I am truly sympathic

But I am in the same boat as you my friends for my lovers have all been synthetic.

I despise the love portrayed on television for I prefer a love natural and undefined

for it loses it’s majestic beauty when it is refined.

 

A love story is as opposite of a fairy tale as the radiant sun and cold dull moon

It is heart wrenching to hold onto but music to the heart when it’s playing it’s finest tune.

 

It is a test with the intentions to fail to test the lovers’ strength

For those who surpass will see it at its greatest length

 

For those who have never been able to surpass, I am truly sympathic

But I am in the same boat as you my friends for my lovers have all been synthetic.

 

 

So many of us seek a companion in our lives, we feel such a necessity for it that we begin convincing ourselves of a false emotion for someone. We create “synthetic” relationships with others for the mere fact that they could potentially be a part of us, the “other half”.

Even though I’ve had my fair amount of relationships, I’ve still been with less than a handful amount of guys. I realized that I never found a necessity to have someone, unless love overwhelmed my sense of logic. I only needed someone after I fell for them, which only happened once. I don’t feel that there’s an emptiness to fullfill, or a patch I need to mend inside myself. I seek happiness and wholeness in other aspects, such as in work, school, and organizations. I don’t jump at just any opportunity, it has to be the opportunity that feels worthy to me. 

My family loves and cares about me, so do my friends. My job is stable and I’m doing well in school, in hopes of becoming something greater in the near future. My organizations bring me satisfaction from our great accomplishments throughout the year. If anything, a relationship only slows down my abilities to exceed. Just, relationships are so hard. No matter how independent you are, you still worry and care for that person to the point that you sacrifice many things without a second thought in order to fill their happiness while neglecting your own. I don’t have time or enough dedication left in me to give to just anyone. 

There’s so many changes in me that I don’t know how to handle them all at once. I used to be that girl who cared for everyone, under any circumstance. I cared especially for my relationships and fed them until growth was continual. I wasn’t dependent on others, but I wanted them to depend on me. And up until now, I was just selfless. 

In the words of my mom, I’m “painfully independent”.

“Painfully independent”…I’m convinced I’ll die alone with 10 million cats. I don’t like cats though, so dogs. 

Maybe a turtle, too.