I was talking to my co-worker today. She’s currently in her mid to late fourties and she’s been with the same guy since she was 15. They’ve been married for 28 of those 33 years. Recently, her husband left her for a relationship he’s been pursuing online for the last year. He’s seen this woman twice. Twice. Two times. His son’s wife is currently expecting their second child; her husband evicted them from their townhome because he owns it. He has justifications for all of his actions and is unbeleivably oblivious to his damage. There’s no damage to him, no harm done. He claims that its time for him to “find his own happiness”.

My dad said the exact same words, word for word exact.

Why do so many of us leave the one we love to find another to love? Why do we leave home expecting to find a new home? We so often try to mend things when they’re not broken yet. Nothing ever seems to be good enough. We constantly tend to push for more, we compare ourselves to those more fortunate than us rather than to those less fortunate than us. So often we fail to notice our fortune because we’re so busy concentrating on what we lack.

I guess in the end, I realize that I’m so uninterested in relationships because I don’t want to be underappreciated. I don’t want my constant efforts to go unnoticed at the cost of something newer and more interesting. If I’m not giving it everything, then I don’t want to give it anything.

Not like my co-worker, not like my own mother.

Its not to say I’ve built walls, but until I’m convinced that regardless of the suffering, there’s still overwhelming worth..then I’m out. Until then.

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