I went and visited Lap’s mom yesterday and got a hold of many of his poems. It really did rebuild the part of me that I truly missed most about him, his sense of self-expression. He had a rhythm that was solely his, an individuality portrayed in his writing that none can clone.

Here’s a poem of his that I want to share:

“Refined”

I despise the love portrayed on television for I prefer a love natural and undefined
for it loses it’s majestic beauty when it is refined.
A love story is as opposite of a fairy tale as the radiant sun and cold dull moon
It is heart wrenching to hold onto but music to the heart when it’s playing it’s finest tune.
It is a test with the intentions to fail to test the lovers’ strength
For those who surpass will see it at its greatest length
For those who have never been able to surpass, I am truly sympathic
But I am in the same boat as you my friends for my lovers have all been synthetic.

I despise the love portrayed on television for I prefer a love natural and undefined

for it loses it’s majestic beauty when it is refined.

 

A love story is as opposite of a fairy tale as the radiant sun and cold dull moon

It is heart wrenching to hold onto but music to the heart when it’s playing it’s finest tune.

 

It is a test with the intentions to fail to test the lovers’ strength

For those who surpass will see it at its greatest length

 

For those who have never been able to surpass, I am truly sympathic

But I am in the same boat as you my friends for my lovers have all been synthetic.

 

 

So many of us seek a companion in our lives, we feel such a necessity for it that we begin convincing ourselves of a false emotion for someone. We create “synthetic” relationships with others for the mere fact that they could potentially be a part of us, the “other half”.

Even though I’ve had my fair amount of relationships, I’ve still been with less than a handful amount of guys. I realized that I never found a necessity to have someone, unless love overwhelmed my sense of logic. I only needed someone after I fell for them, which only happened once. I don’t feel that there’s an emptiness to fullfill, or a patch I need to mend inside myself. I seek happiness and wholeness in other aspects, such as in work, school, and organizations. I don’t jump at just any opportunity, it has to be the opportunity that feels worthy to me. 

My family loves and cares about me, so do my friends. My job is stable and I’m doing well in school, in hopes of becoming something greater in the near future. My organizations bring me satisfaction from our great accomplishments throughout the year. If anything, a relationship only slows down my abilities to exceed. Just, relationships are so hard. No matter how independent you are, you still worry and care for that person to the point that you sacrifice many things without a second thought in order to fill their happiness while neglecting your own. I don’t have time or enough dedication left in me to give to just anyone. 

There’s so many changes in me that I don’t know how to handle them all at once. I used to be that girl who cared for everyone, under any circumstance. I cared especially for my relationships and fed them until growth was continual. I wasn’t dependent on others, but I wanted them to depend on me. And up until now, I was just selfless. 

In the words of my mom, I’m “painfully independent”.

“Painfully independent”…I’m convinced I’ll die alone with 10 million cats. I don’t like cats though, so dogs. 

Maybe a turtle, too.

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