I’ve never really let myself feel too vulnerable in life. I hardly ever feel lonely, probably less than the average person to say the least. I hardly ever miss anyone, even people I really care about.

Every time I think about my grandma, even in the slightest way, I can’t help but to burst into tears. I’ve wanted a quiet house ever since I can remember, but having it now is not in the least bit satisfying. I feel alone, too alone. My grandma was the one person who’s never hurt me in my entire life. She’s always wanted the best for me and everyone she encounters, even those who were not good to her. She always made sure I was up in time, that I had my morning coffee made just the way I liked it. That I had something to eat whenever I was hungry. That I got home safely. It was never just for me, she did this for everyone. She never let her kind heart go to waste, it was distributed evenly amongst the people in her life. She gives me hope that I’ll meet others like her in my lifetime…

I’ve never hurt this deeply, ever. About anything. I’ve never let myself. But its no longer about whether or not I let myself.

Its not within my control, not something I’m able to grasp.

It isn’t until now that I finally realized how much control I have had over my entire life. How much having control meant to me, how satisfying it was to be able to protect myself.

I no longer feel protected. This isn’t within my control.

And maybe, that’s just for the best.

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